Outliers

From Ted

As an eighth-grader, I had been out of school for several weeks due to a bleeding episode.  The evening before I was to go back to school, I was grocery shopping with my mom and as we turned the corner of one of the local supermarket’s aisles I noticed coming towards me, my math teacher.  I felt some panic.  I didn’t know what she would do when she saw me.  Would she think that I had been ‘skipping school’ rather than being bed-ridden?  Would she believe that someone could really bleed for weeks at a time?  

My own parents and family had trouble believing that I couldn’t somehow make the bleeding stop and somehow speed up the healing process, how could a stranger believe such a thing?  She had a reputation as a harsh, drill-sergeant, no-excuses, take no prisoners teacher.   I tried to pretend that I didn’t see her coming, but when she saw me, she made a bee-line straight for me, bent down to my level, took my hands, and said in the most compassionate and sincere voice I have ever experienced, “Ted, I have missed you so much, I hope you are doing better”.  I’ve been praying for you?

Missed me?  Hoped I was doing better?  Prayed for me?  Was she kidding?  No one had ever said those kinds of things to me around a bleeding event.  My family, after weeks (and years) of having their lives organized around my bleeding episodes, had long ago gone into a state of compassion fatigue.

Her expressions of compassion and caring changed everything.  Instead of feeling guilty and shameful, I felt really seen and cared about.  The effect was that when I did return to school, I re-doubled my scholastic efforts in an attempt to make up for the six-weeks of school that I had missed. 

In college I had another bleeding incident that kept me out of classes for several weeks.  One of my professors came to my room one day to “see how you are doing”.   His visit had the same effect on me.

I am sure that neither of those people remembers those acts of compassion today, but their willingness to reach out, changed the course of my life.  I was reminded of both of those incidents as I recently completed reading a book called “The Outliers”, by the author of “Blink” and “The Tipping Point”.  His premise is that no one achieves anything in life alone.  There are relational contexts, cultural contexts, as well as historical factors that are just as important, if not more so, as individual talent drive, and determination that contribute to one’s success. 

That is absolutely true for me.  My guess is that you can look back in your life and remember and ‘angel’ or two who appeared at just the right moment, with just the right message, and moved on.  If it isn’t too late, look them up and thank them.  If you have the impulse to say or do something compassionate and caring for someone you know, do it.  You might never know the impact of a seemingly ‘small’ act such as that, but it can change lives, it did mine, and those I love.

Overconfidence

From Ted

“And the winner is……”  When I heard those words and saw who had won one of the most prestigious awards in the entertainment business, I was thrilled for them, and at the same time, afraid for them.  I knew that they were now going to deal with one of the greatest insidious risks and threats to any relationship.

As a part of my work I get to consult with individuals, couples and groups of people, some in the entertainment business, who simply and pro-actively want to improve the quality of their relationships with others. If only there were more of those.

For other folks, it is more than a ‘want to’. Most wait until things are going badly. Actually, on average, those relationships that could benefit from outside help, only 1% ever seeks help, and even then, they wait for years after the first serious symptoms begin to appear before reaching out.  The group I mentioned, unfortunately, falls into this category.

Whether or not they continue to exist as an entity at all, as was the case with this group, will depend on their willingness and ability to learn and practice some new skills, heal old wounds, and make some new agreements about how they are going to be with each other moving forward.

The good news is that improving relationships is actually pretty simple.  Strategies and tools for improving relationships have been well-tested and honed.  My experience is that just a few suggestions at an initial meeting can change things immediately and profoundly for the better.  I had met with this group a few times and had made great progress. Such great progress that we had gone from the point of the group being close to breaking up to a renewed sense of excitement and hope for the future.

The downside of such ‘quick healing’ experiences is that there is a tendency to feel better so much better so quickly.  There is a sense of ‘being done’; when in fact we have just started the learning process. When things are apparently going so well (unbelievably well, professionally, in this case, for this group) it is difficult to remember that there is still work to be done.  There are still skills to be learned, practiced, and refined as well as unresolved historic issues to address, and new issues to be proactive in dealing with that are bound come up due to simple change and growth.

The greatest risk for this group at this point in time? The greatest risk for any relationship? Research suggests that the single greatest risk factor to going back to old behaviors is overconfidence.

The next morning, after news of the award had rocketed through the entertainment community, I called the group’s managers and reminded them that we needed to make sure that everyone showed up for our next scheduled meeting, though the inclination would be to ‘coast’ on all the good feelings.  Relationship skills are a bit like weight training. Consistency over time (showing up at the gym day after day) creates the best chance for success.  I am all too aware of this “over-confidence” risk factor in my own relationships. With my two adult children, with my wife Margie, with my closest friends, from time to time, I initiate a conversation (or they do) that starts out by saying “So how are we doing, really, anyway?”

So to those friends of mine that I haven't asked lately… How are we doing, really?  Special relationships are too valuable to be taken for granted and too fragile not be tended to.

Dragonflies

From Ted

There used to be a music festival each spring in Toronto, Canada called the Mariposa Folk Music Festival. (In fact, it might still be happening.)

It was held on the islands, which were classified as city parts, just off-shore from downtown Toronto.  For many years I would make the trek from Detroit to Toronto along with friends and family.  This was the early  1970’s, and for those of you who were around back then, you know that in saying that, the festival was more than about music.  There was a hope in the air that somehow by getting together with music serving as the unifying force, we might be able to change ourselves and the world into a better place.  All of the major and minor players of the folk music world were there.

One of the highlights was the First Nation Inuit throat singers who always made the trip down from the Hudson Bay area.  They held the audiences spellbound singing to each other, while dressed in their winter parkas (in the very warm June weather), holding on to each other, their faces just inches away from each other, with some of the most incredible sounds and music coming out of their mouths, as if from a different time and place.  There were many stages for the performers, and most would have the attendees singing and dancing with them.  It was an incredible experience.

One afternoon, I attended a session put on by Willie Dunn, a First Nation’s man, who had developed this wonderful technique of playing his guitar in a typical manner and at the same time producing the sound of a native drum in the background.   As we were listening to one of his original soulful songs, a swarm of dragonflies literally darkened the skies around us and swarmed Willie, the stage and those of us sitting on the ground.  They were landing everywhere; on blankets, sandwiches, people’s feet, their faces, their legs, arms, in their hair…everywhere.  People began freaking out, some swatting at and stomping on the insects, trying fruitlessly to get the dragonflies off and away from them.  Some people were close to panic.

Suddenly Willie stopped playing, right in the middle of his song.  He implored everyone to sit down and to just be still.  He said “In our culture, dragonflies come to us to bless us”.  He went on to explain “the message these dragonflies are giving to us is that they are blessing this gathering, so please allow them to share what the Great Spirit has sent them to give us”.

The effect of that message from Willie was stunning.  Suddenly the crowd went quiet.  People lay down on the ground, stretched out with arms wide open as if they were going to start making snow angels.  Others were picking up the dragonflies and putting them on their legs, arms and faces.  It was like everyone was saying (to these insects that they were trying to get away from just moments before) “Come bless me!!!”

I was amazed.  Just a few words and a little bit of information shifted an entire experience for a couple hundred people, at least for a moment in time.  For others, like me, that lesson has never left me.

Lock Down

From Ted

One of  my favorite places on this earth is the Black Hills of South Dakota.  Margie and I moved there in 1992, but had been visiting the area on a regular basis since 1984, and had driven through a few times in the years before that.

Six months after moving there, I was flying in to the Rapid City airport and as we were descending I looked out the window and said to myself, “Ahhh, it feels good to be home!!!!”  Feels good to be home?  Home?  I’d only lived there for 6 months and it feels like home?  I had lived in Ohio for 17 years, another 26 years in Michigan, and never had that feeling or thought.  We later lived in Tucson, Arizona and have lived in the Nashville, Tennessee area for the past dozen years, and I have never had that spontaneous thought or feeling about coming or returning ‘home’ again, EXCEPT, when I would go back to the Black Hills, which I have managed to do just about every year for the last dozen years or so.

Several years back, I noticed that for several weeks after returning from my most recent trip to the Black Hills, I was feeling sad, depressed, and a little lost.  That got me to thinking.  What was so special about the “Hills”?  If they were that special everyone who ever visited there would feel the same way.  Not everyone does.

I see and experience “The Hills” as an incredibly soulful spiritual place.  So do many others, but not everyone.  So, it would seem that perhaps the answer was somewhere inside me.  After much contemplation and consternation, I came upon this realization.

Apparently there is an aspect of my soul, of my personality, that I allow to emerge during my visits to “The Hills”.  A spontaneity of spirit and action?.  An intimacy with nature? A simplicity, perhaps?   Going to places that had always held a spiritual attraction for the native peoples?  Immersing myself in the local history of the places and the people?  Becoming a ‘student’ of everything I experienced and everyone saw and met?   All that and more.

So what is so bad about that?  Absolutely nothing.  Why did it feel so bad leaving?  And then a picture jumped out at me.  When I would leave “The Hills” after each visit, it would be as if I would take that part of me, that almost that childlike wondrous, curious part of me, rent a space in a local storage unit, and say, “I’ll be back next year”.  Wow!!!  What an awareness!!! No wonder I felt sad.  Locked down for another year, knowing I might get another chance to emerge next year?

It immediately became clear to me that my life would be more full (and less painful), if, instead of sticking that part of me into a storage locker,  I could bring that part of me back to my ‘everyday’ life back home, and allow it to be with me in my daily life.

Once I had that awareness and made that decision the depression in leaving my beloved “Hills” was gone.  Today, I celebrate when I have the chance to go, because it is still a very special place for me.  I am also able to ‘celebrate’ more often and closer to home because what I learned to ‘turn loose’ in the ‘Hills’ now is a large part of my daily experience.

There are people, myself being one of them, who visit places like the “Hills”, and organize their lives around “I am going to live there someday because there is something special about this place” (whether it makes economic sense of not).   Today, when I feel that urge, I am challenged to remember that I can have the same experience anywhere in my world.  It is just a matter of whether or not I allow the part of me that I allow to roam free while in “special places” to come out and play, or whether I put it into the “lock-down” storage unit.  I am the one with the key.

How about you?

Where is your special place on this planet?

What feels so good about being there?

What part of you do you allow to ‘come out’/give yourself permission to ‘be’?

How much of that can you take back to your everyday life?

Living on Purpose

From Brad

I am convinced that it is important to have a purpose. Why would a psychologist like me be writing about life’s purpose? In my practice, I have seen improved psychological well-being when people have a meaningful purpose. I have also seen lives filled with loneliness and despair when no specific purpose has been embraced. And without purpose, what’s the point? Life can’t just be all about growing-up, getting a job, taking a few vacations, retiring, taking a few more vacations and dying. Can it? Is that why we are here on Earth? I believe that we are each here on this Earth for a reason, which is up to us to name. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, “purpose” is defined as: 1) The object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or a goal 2) A result or effect that is intended or desired; an intention 3) Determination; resolution, and 4) The matter at hand; the point at issue. So our purpose in life is the intended result of our life. It becomes a powerful force we are determined and resolved to fulfilling. In fact, it is the entire point of our existence. Sounds pretty important, don’t you think?

Many spiritual disciplines take the guess work out of our purpose in life. They offer frameworks and instructions by which people are invited to define their purpose. Followers take comfort in the teachings and traditions of spiritual leaders and their insights into a higher power’s purpose for us. Some believe that life is about striving to stay pure in mind and deed. Others emphasize that life should be enjoyed and experienced. Others say that life is suffering, and our purpose is to detach from our egos and melt into the cosmos. Still others say that life should be about service to others. Regardless of the particular spiritual tradition or philosophical base, there is profound psychological value in clearly defining a customized purpose.

Why is purpose so important? A purpose sets the entire context for our lives. Without a clearly defined purpose, we are just a haphazard combination of goals and non-goals, actions and non-actions, meandering through space and time. A purpose is a master plan for our life. Knowing our purpose helps us define our goals. It helps us avoid getting lost in the minutia of life by keeping our eyes on the target. It can make life much more enjoyable and effortless. I believe that purpose is not something that others choose for us, but is something we must choose for ourselves. It emerges from an exploration of what we value most. When we are deciding our purpose in life, it is important to not worry about how we will go about achieving it. When we identify and commit to our intentions, the opportunities and methods for achieving our purpose will begin to show up. In fact, they are often already in our lives, but we may not have noticed them because we were not paying attention. Defining our purpose helps us focus our actions and choices.

My purpose is to help bring hope and healing to the world. All of my goals emerge from this basic purpose. What’s your purpose? If you don’t already know it, take time right now to define it. Start by examining what you value most. Is it balance, faith, family, compassion, excellence, generosity, peace, connection to others, or something else? Then consider what you would hope others would say about you when they describe you, or what you would want to read in your own obituary. What legacies do you want to leave on this earth? You will be known for something. What do you want it to be? Take a moment or two to write down your own special purpose. The simple act of writing things down, like goals and purpose, greatly increases their power in our lives. You can hone it as you go, but start each day and end each day by reciting it. Write it on a business card and carry it in your wallet or purse. In moments of fear, frustration, and sorry, pull it out and read it. Doing so will help you keep things in perspective and remind you to stay focused on what is most important to you. And living a purposeful life will translate to better psychological well-being for you, your family, and your world.

Yogi

From Ted

One of the important things to me growing up was my connection to major league baseball.  I have fond memories of many an evening listening on the radio (yes, sometimes even my own crystal radio) to my team, the Cincinnati Reds.  A couple of times my father was able to score last minute tickets to a game and we would all take a trip to Crosley Field to take in the game in person.  They even had a big time star; a big first base man by the name of Ted, Ted K.  As in Ted Kluszewski.  A left-handed first baseman - just like me.  He was well-known for cutting off the sleeves to his uniform to better unleash the power in his huge ham-hock like arms, something I didn’t dare even think about doing (although I secretly did, think about it anyway). 

At that time it always seemed as if the New York Yankees were in the World Series each fall.  In those days, nearly all of the games were played in the afternoon.  If we were ‘good’, the principal of our elementary school would let us listen to the broadcast of the afternoon games over the school’s PA system.

That’s when I first learned of Yogi Berra.  He became somewhat of a secret idol to me (not wanting to appear to be disloyal to my Reds).  I liked to hear about the things he said and did.  After his playing career, he became a coach and eventually the manager of the Yankees.  I became a high-school baseball coach.  I always followed his exploits which became more legendary the longer he was in the public eye.  Yogi had a way with words that was, well, memorable.  One of his more famous quotes was “When you come to a fork in the road, take it”.  He knew what he meant; it was up to the rest of the world to figure it out.

One day while attending one of the National Collegiate Baseball Coaches Association yearly conferences, I got to meet and listen to Yogi talk to a group of 200 fellow high-school and collegiate baseball coaches.  During a question and answer session, Yogi was asked “When all your players make more money than you do how you get them to listen to you?”  I’ll always remember his answer.

“If they are playing well, I don’t say anything, there is no need to.” he said.  “If they aren’t doing so well, I will walk by them and say ‘I know what you’re doing wrong and can tell you what to do to fix it’, and then I just keep on walking.  Some of them will get so mad at me that they will begin looking for what is wrong and fix it themselves   I leave them alone.  The second group will never fix it and eventually, they don’t play. The rest of them will come up to me, sooner or later, and ask me what I am seeing.  Now I have me what I call a motivated learner.   I will tell them, tell them how to fix it and then they become one of the first group”.

I have never forgotten the ‘motivated learner’ lesson.  My experience is that if I hang around my clients who are in pain long enough and let them know that I have some ideas for them to try if theirs don’t work out, many of them become ‘motivated learners’.

Experience had taught old Yogi (and now research supports the very same wisdom) that giving advice before people are ready to receive it actually hinders their progress, increases defensiveness, and makes change less likely to occur. 

It isn’t that advice giving is wrong.  There is always a place and time for providing it.  It is just that we often try to give advice long before people are ready and able to receive it.  

Timing is everything.  When to give advice is no exception.

Projection vs. Self-Reflecting

From Ted

I received a call from a young woman one day.  She said “You have really helped my sister and brother-in-law’s marriage with your relationship coaching, and I was wondering if you would be willing to work with my husband and me”.  “We are in a lot of trouble.”   She went on to outline a number of complaints about her husband that she believed were contributing to the eventual demise of their relationship.

I told her that I would be willing to consider working with them, but she needed to understand ahead of time that I would be asking her to take a look at her part in how the relationship got to its present point.  There was a really long pause, and then she said “Do I have to agree with that philosophy before we start?  Because, honestly, I can’t think of one thing that I do that has a negative impact on our relationship”. She went on to say “Without me, there would be no relationship.”

I told her that she didn’t have to believe it, but she would have to be willing to consider and stay open to the remote possibility that she was contributing to the pain that existed in her relationship with her husband.  She agreed.

These days, a couple of years later, when reminded of our initial conversation where she stated that she couldn’t think of anything she was doing that contributed to the problems in their relationship, she just smiles the way one does when they are reflecting back to a time when they didn’t even know what they didn’t know.  Why is it so much easier to see the speck of dirt in another’s eye, while we can’t see the log in our own?

I recently read a research article that suggested that our brains are wired to ‘project’ rather than ‘self-reflect’.  So, it is not a matter that we are selfish or bad people.  It is that our brains lean in that direction.

What does that mean?  It means that at any particular moment, when something happens to us (or doesn’t happen for us), we tend to project blame and assign responsibility for our experience towards someone or something that ‘caused’ it, rather than assume that we contributed as much, if not more, to our experience.

This hardwiring of blaming others for our experience seems to have served an important function back in the days when we were living more collective and tribal lives.  Historically, if we were self-reflective, we would tend to ‘freeze’ and thus might become a ‘target’ for whatever the threat was.   Self-reflection requires one to ‘stop and consider’.  Historically, that could have been (and based on who survived, genetically obviously was) deadly.

Unfortunately, as with other things that used to be essential for our specie’s survival (i.e. being hard-wired towards having multiple intimate relationships; to run away, go silent, or attack others when frightened or anxious; take advantage of those less fortunate, less intelligent, or less able, etc.) as our civilization has evolved, those automatic responses don’t serve us as well as they once did. 

One of the basic tools I’ve found essential to working with the couples, families, and groups with whom I am involved is the concept of ‘self-reflection first’.  I call the process “de-constructing”.  Another term for what happens would be called a “de-briefing”.  If there is something that happens (I use the term “dust-up) between two or more of the people that I work with, I ask them to come back together, once the emotional tide has ebbed (at least 20 minutes of calming activities are what’s needed), and each share one or more things, that upon reflection, they might have done differently that might have resulted in a different outcome.

This is really hard to do.  When one is asked to do that, they will immediately run in to their ‘hard wiring’.  Try it; you will see what I mean.  What we are wired to do is to go back to our respective corners and reflect on what the other person should have done differently. 

The good thing about this ‘hard-wiring’ is that, because of the brain’s plasticity, we can run parallel circuits.  This second circuit is the development of the complementary, self-reflecting circuitry.  With practice, self-reflection can become as ‘natural’ a reaction as blaming or projection.  The excellent thing about this reaction is that we have a chance to learn how to do things differently.

For those willing to buy in to this concept and practice it, the changes in relationships are almost miraculous.  The level of defensiveness, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment of the other person(s) (all relationship killers) are reduced dramatically.

Anyone up for a re-wiring project?

Are You Wired for Wealth?

From Brad

Markets go up and down, but one fact holds true:  your money scripts-- the unconscious beliefs you hold about money-- will determine your financial health. So what’s the formula for achieving financial success?  While we can learn much by studying the methods of people who have achieved wealth, many successful people would have difficulty telling you exactly what they did that made the difference. They just worked long hours, kept trying, didn’t give up, seized opportunities when they presented themselves, and made it big. Everyone is different, and it can be very difficult to replicate someone else’s specific method of achieving success.

Although the “secret” to achieving wealth can’t be distilled into a tidy one-size-fits-all formula, the truth is that people who are wealthy think and act very differently than those that are not. In fact, there are discernible patterns of beliefs and behaviors about money that are associated with wealth, and there are patterns that are associated with poverty and financial chaos.

While conducting research for my latest book, Wired for Wealth: Change the Money Mindsets that Keep You Trapped and Unleash Your Wealth Potential, I surveyed the beliefs and behaviors of 422 people from all walks of life, income categories, and levels of net worth. Participants ranged in age from 18 to 80 and had yearly incomes ranging from $10,000 a year to $1 million a year. The survey revealed some striking differences between the beliefs of the wealthy and of those who struggle financially.  Here are some of the findings:

In the survey, those who rated themselves as having a lack of financial success were more likely to endorse certain money scripts. Since these beliefs were associated with less income and net worth, we call them “poor scripts.”

• Poor script # 1: “Your self-worth equals your net worth.” This belief was associated with poor investment decisions, overspending, and lower income. When we erroneously equate the acquisition of material things with our value as human beings, we set ourselves up for destructive financial patterns.

• Poor script # 2: “It’s okay to keep secrets from your partner around money.” This belief was associated with compulsive overspending, giving money to others at the detriment to our own financial health, and avoiding thinking about one’s own finances.

• Poor script # 3: “More money will make you happier.” This belief persists despite the fact that research shows there is no correlation between money and happiness above a household income of $50,000 per year. This belief was associated with workaholism- sacrificing family and health for the pursuit of money- miserliness, and ironically, lower income and lower net worth. The belief that more money or more stuff will make you happier is a common misperception in America, and one of the reasons behind the current economic crisis. We set arbitrary “more money” or “more stuff” targets, believing that those magical numbers and material items will bring us meaning, peace, happiness, security, or whatever else we feel is missing in our lives. The problem is that when the target is met, the corresponding payoff never quite seems to show up.

My research also found several money scripts strongly associated with higher income and higher net worth, called “wealth scripts.” Here are a couple of the more important ones:  

• Wealth script # 1: “It is important to save for a rainy day.” We all know that saving is good, right? Of the seventy-two money scripts included in the survey, the belief that it is important to save for the future was the key difference between those who were wealthy and those who were not. After all, wealth is not about how much money you make, it is about how much money you save. Those who endorsed this belief as being less important struggled with overspending, higher credit card debt, and gambling problems.

• Wealth script # 2: “Giving money to others is something people should do.” To be honest, I was surprised that this belief was so strongly associated with wealth. However, it makes sense from a spiritual level. In order to receive, we must give. Yet this money script has a dark side: this belief is also associated with higher debt. Before you can give money to others, it must be yours to give!

The good news is that you can change your money mindsets, and if your pattern of thinking about money is associated with destructive financial behaviors, financial stress, and poverty, you can change that pattern to one that is associated with wealth. What we “think” we “do.” What we say to ourselves becomes our reality. Identifying our money scripts and challenging and changing the ones that are limiting our ability to attract abundance into our lives is an important step in creating wealth. With the right money mindset, we can begin to change our financial trajectory. Regardless of your starting point or your current financial situation, you can quite literally rewire your brain for wealth.

Retirement

From Ted

In dealing with my “Money Issues” over the last eight years, one of the first things I ran into was the curious phenomena that on the one hand I would tell people I would like to retire, and on the other hand, I was taking no action to do so.  It made no sense, especially to me.  In talking with a colleague one day, in the midst of trying to figure out yet one more of my inconsistent behaviors, I realized that I thought retirement meant that ‘you quit what you are doing, and, if anything, do something else you like less well’. 

The ‘something else’ was, for me, way over the horizon.  Literally, a very long way over the horizon.  When pressed to describe where I would be and what I would be doing, I imagined myself sitting on a beach in Kauai, Hawaii, watching the waves come in and go out.  Now to some of you that might sound exciting, but when it registered to me that this is what retirement would ‘look like’, I knew why I wasn’t taking any steps to make it possible for me to retire.  I would hate sitting around.  How very boring!!!!  My picture of retirement meant that I would do nothing. 

It suddenly dawned on me.  Maybe I was using someone else’s definition of what retirement meant.  What if I could define it for myself?  The thought was very exciting.  What if retirement meant that I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted, and not have to do much of the other stuff?  Now that would be exciting.  Then the thought came, why wait to live that way.  That was REALLY exciting to contemplate.

Over the next days, weeks, months, and years, I began moving in that direction.  I began saving all the money I could, to make my ‘dream’ of retirement come true.  I was lucky enough to be able to keep moving my life in that direction.  Now I am officially ‘retired’, for the second time, in terms of what I used to do, and my world is filled with doing new things I could never have imagined eight years ago.

At this very moment, at the beginning of 2009, I am sitting in a room on Kauai writing my fourth book with our son Brad, while hanging out with my bride of 25 years.  We are working with a major TV network on featuring some of our work.  My consulting work has taken me all over the world.  I get to spend special time with my granddaughter and our adult children.  Now this is what I call retirement!!!

Giving me permission to define my own terms, such as deciding what retirement meant to me has opened up my world.  I would invite you to give yourself the same gift.

 What is your definition of ‘loving your partner’? 

 What is your definition of ‘being a friend’? 

What is your definition of ‘being yourself’? 

 Do it your way.

Oprah Calling

From Ted

While traveling in Colorado a few years ago, I got a call from someone who represented themselves as being from the production department of Oprah Winfrey’s show.  I nearly hung up on them initially, believing it was one of my friends playing a prank.  But when they mentioned a couple of names that I knew, I suspended my doubts long enough to hear what they had to say.  Apparently, a couple that my wife and I had worked with a few years before had written a book about their experience.  They had been able to work through a significant betrayal by one of the partners and put their marriage and life back together.  In the book, apparently, they had given us some significant credit for helping them do that.  As I remember, they were one of the very few couples who did exactly what we suggested that they do if they were to have a chance at saving their 25-year marriage. 

Since they were going to be on the Oprah show, the producers wanted to know if I would be willing to appear with them during that segment of the show.  That was an easy question, with an even easier, no brainer answer.  The answer… “No”.  The producer asked why, and I just said I wasn’t interested. 

As the word, “no”, came out of my mouth, I knew that it was more of a reactive statement than one that was carefully considered.  I was curious about how quickly that answer had popped out of my mouth, and how definitive an answer it was.   I wasn’t wondering if I should have said “yes”, because to this day, I honestly don’t think a “yes” answer would have changed my life anymore than the “no” answer did.   I was just very interested in where the answer came from.

I told a friend about my curiosity and that I would like to understand it better.  After a little digging, I explained that I felt like if I showed up on the Oprah show, I would be showing up as a fraud.  A fraud in the sense that there are many other people who are more the ‘expert’ in terms of relationships than I was.  I don’t consider myself an expert on anything.

A fraud in the sense that there are many other people who had written books on the topic and I hadn’t. 

A fraud in the sense that there are many other people who had already appeared on TV as relationship experts. 

A fraud in the sense that there are those who had a vastly wider audience that I had ever had.

 My friend listened to all that and simply said, “Answer these questions for me”.

1. Did you work with the couple? (Yes)
2. Do they give you credit for helping them get better?  (Yes)
3. Did you do anything unusual to help them? (Yes, we used experiential teaching methods and a group experience)  
4. If you talked about and limited yourself to what you did, and just those things would you be saying anything that wasn't true? (No)
5. Would you have said yes if you knew that it would have supported them (Yes)
6. So you wouldn't be acting fraudulently if you said those things to support them and others like them? (No)

 I had grown up with a pretty consistent message that went something like “Who do you think you are”?    Now there are ways of asking that question that are nurturing, but in my case it was asked in a way designed to put, and keep, “someone in their place”.  It wasn’t just me, everyone in our family and extended family was treated the same way. 

After the conversation with my friend, as outlined above, something inside shifted.  I thought, "You know if I just talk about what I know and what my experience is/was, no matter where I am or who I am with, I am being and acting in integrity.”  I can do that. 

I would invite you to consider that the same is true for you also.

• You are who you are
• You’ve done what you have done
• You have experienced what you have experienced.
• You have learned “lessons” from each of these experiences. 
• That makes you an expert.
  

That also makes you ready for the Oprah call.